fertility work-up: the second time is twice as nice!

Nearly three years have passed since I last went through a fertility workup, and I am due for a repeat. The standard workup consists of a battery of tests. All things being equal, in terms of number of tests, simple blood analysis make up the majority. I couldn't give you an exact number, but I have learned that it's best not to count the number of vial labels that the lab tech exchanges for the lab requisition slip (one label per tube, at least three tubes per work up). Also-note that the pre test instructions are not theoretical. During my first work up, in my mid twenties, I made the mistake of having an FSH analysis (I think it was an FSH analysis, anyway) shortly after taking a dose of Clomid. I wouldn't recommend that particular course of action unless you are the bizarre sort of comedian who wants your ob/gyn to think you are a candidate for premature ovarian failure.

Certain other tests, including follicle counts with the craftily designed transvaginal ultrasound, (in the interest of not getting booted off Blogger, I’m not going to include a link) do not exactly rank high on the fun list, but can be gotten through. Others, such as the HSG, are rather unforgettable and I will in no uncertain terms drink bleach if I am made to repeat that particular test again. I will say, with regard to the HSG, that I object to the idea far more than the actual procedure, which was uncomfortable but not painful. Luckily, the only tests I need to repeat are the labs and the follicle count.

Because no test has ever indicated a definitive cause of infertility, there's not a good reason for me to worry about the results, which doesn’t mean that there aren't plenty of other shoddily constructed and weakly articulated reasons. I'm one of those people who subscribes to the idea that if you don't believe in the principle of induction, (not to be confused with a similarly named step in the IVF procedure) the principle of induction doesn't apply to you, much like ghosts for children or hell for athiests. I am absolutely aware that people who go around verbally articulating these things are irritating to be around, but by God, I've earned it, what with the rare cancer lottery and all. So just because a test has come back normal five out of five times, doesn't mean that, say, the sixth time, it's not going to indicate that I am not only in full-blown premature menaupause, but have contracted liver flukes and will any day now express a latent gene for supernumary teeth, because I've always had sort of questionable orthodontia.

All this is to say that I’m not having the tests re run until my next appointment with the endocrinologist, which will be in approximately 33 days +/-.